Supposedly understanding the female psyche isn’t impossible. (Yeah, right.) I’d liken achieving this feat to your likelihood of spotting the Tooth Fairy on her day off. Definitely a rare occurrence. But okay, let’s assume it’s possible with a little (massive) effort. Maybe it’s more akin to spotting Santa Claus; whom, thanks to the end of the holiday season, is now unemployed. But honestly, I’ve even spotted black Santa at a shopping mall once or twice. So despite my cynicism, I’m still a believer in endless possibilities! Moving right along.
The bottom line is that if you really want something you have to believe you can achieve it. For some sick reason, God granted women the unfair ability to intuitively know when a dude is lying. Conversely, God also granted women the peculiar ability to lie to themselves about the obvious lies that men invariably tell, which generally tends to even the playing field for most dudes who are lucky enough to be in a relationship with quality ladies. Thus, game on.
So let’s continue. How can a regular bro pierce the feminine veil of mystery and female machinations? Or in dude-speak, “What the f*$k is she thinking?”
Here’s what I’ve gathered during my short time on this awesome earth:
Step Un:
This is probably going to be insanely difficult for most guys, but the first place to start is to shut your pie-hole and listen. That’s right. You have to listen with both ears, instead of with your eyeballs. And if the one you’re with happens to be a stylish young vixen dressed to kill, then dudes, you know what I mean. Just remember, ears not eyeballs. That’s the way you listen. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to compliment a woman on her grace and style, but the truth is, she wants to know that you value her.
Tell her she looks stunning.  And if you know she happened went all out to pick out a great outfit, it’s fair game to tell her how beautiful she looks. But do not, under any circumstances, say, “Holy sh*t. You’re a hottie!” Bad dog. Time out.
She wants your attention, not your drool. Also, do not glance at other ladies while escorting your date. Rude! Really, if you’re doing that you deserve to have me steal your girl right in front of you. Checking out who’s at the next table at a nice restaurant, but still sitting, smiling, and nodding like a trained monkey in front of your girl at dinner just to feign interest is not listening. You know it. She knows it. So, ahem, pay attention.
Ladies can always sense a weak attempt. So be real, or be gone. Sincerity really does count for something. Even if your girl doesn’t talk too much, acts kind of shy, or generally just has a mousy personality, that’s cool. She wouldn’t get all dressed up and go out if she wasn’t into you. Therefore, the same rules still apply. The bottom line is that she knows where she stands with you, so be good to her. Side note: Women have long memories. But that’s a post for another time.
B:
Shyness is one thing, but silence is another. If you both are hanging together, and you notice that she’s silent. It’s time to worry. All the more reason to pay attention. While the saying goes, “silence is golden,” in the real world of male-female relationships, dudes know that silence is actually hell. If you’re getting the silent treatment, this is a major tell. She may be a wonderful person, a loving spouse, an amazing girlfriend, an incredible date, but if she never says a word as you walk off to engage your other interests, don’t be a schmuck. It’s not because she’s okay with it. The jig is up. And you’re probably old news at that point, save a miracle.
If you had only paid attention, not only when she was talking, but also when she wasn’t, then you would already be about 12 steps ahead of the game. But you’re not, so you’re a douche, and that’s why you need my help. Keep reading.
Numero Tres:
So here’s where we talk about investment. No, I’m not talking mutual funds, I mean real investments. Believe it or not, although money might help attract the shallow useless females, (exactly the women you don’t want) cash doesn’t get you very far once you’ve found someone worth your time. Remember the Beatles, well it’s true, “money can’t buy me love.” Bros, the money may amuse her, but what she really wants is your time. Why else do you think that even the ultra rich and beautiful have so many celebrity divorces? Lots of money + no time = sexy Desperate Housewives romance with the pool boy.
Take a moment to genuinely figure out what her interests are. What does she like doing? What are her hopes and dreams? What excites here? Here’s an everyday example, if she ever tells you that she doesn’t really care what movie you both go see, it’s a lie. Damn you Decepticons! What she’s actually saying is that she doesn’t want to hear you whine, cry, and throw a tantrum, not mention potentially belittle her if you don’t like what she likes. However, to be fair though, if you’re picking out movies to watch, do not initiate an offer to see that effing Notebook. Just be open and non-critical of her suggestions. She wants to feel emotionally safe with you. Also, if you sigh, squirm, or appear aggravated in any way, she knows it, and you just earned yourself some schmucko points.
Trust me, you can go one night without watching dudes shoot guns and kill things. Consider it a down payment. If you let her win one night, and you do it with a smile, next time, your fun times are practically paid in full. Actually, she might even enjoy a night of Xbox and Twinkies. Ladies gotta eat too!
Fourscore:
Okay, this is probably going to suck, but it’s just a suggestion. Don’t fall asleep during the flick once you let her choose which movie to watch. For one, some chick-flicks are actually fairly entertaining. Did I just say that? Please ignore me. Long story short, try to dig the things she digs. Enough said. Moving right along. Eat your Milk Duds. 
But before we skip ahead, I have one secret weapon tip that will easily make you a genius if you can bear it. If you’re watching a movie of her choosing pay attention to any parts of the flick that make her cry. For some weird reason, girls always like watching movies that make them cry at some point and then laugh really hard at another point. Don’t ask me why. But it’s true. Honestly, I just like watching things get crushed and blown into little pieces, but that’s just me.
The point is to keep an eye open for anything that makes her cry. Here’s why: That’s something she values. She may never openly articulate that to you directly, but just by observing her you’ve discovered something your oblivious dude-schmucko-empty-man-powers probably never would have figured out otherwise. (Just playing. Don’t hate me, but seriously.)
Fifth:
Okay, I hesitate to even share this because I know there’s a 99% probability you guys will all fail at this one, but here goes. Don’t tell her what to do, or even how to do it. Bros, we’re not hunters anymore. This is an information age. Women can do just about anything guys can do. Just consider for a moment all the hard, agonizing, heavy lifting, back breaking manual labor we put in at the office each day to make our millions…probably just wasting away as desk jockeys and pounding on keyboards. The truth hurts, but women don’t want to be told what to do any more than you want to be told which underwear to put on in the morning. Go Spiderman! Nevertheless, women are inquisitive. We all seek advice at some point. Just wait for it. If she wants you to tell her how to do something, she’ll quickly let you know. Actually, she’ll definitely let you know. And then, my good peeps, we will shine like Captain America.
Okay, I think I’ve said my piece. That’s all for now. Go forth and conquer.
Peace,